If this ain’t real, then everything I’ve built my life on doesn’t matter. Everything I’ve built my life on is a joke, a waste of time.

If this ain’t real, what the hell was I doing?

My whole life had been built on faith and religion. My life was centered around, “I do my part. I do a good job, and follow the rules, and then life is supposed to reward me. God is ‘supposed to’ give me what I want.”

At some point that didn’t happen. At some point THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN! I felt trapped…

… so many rules, so many rules.

… Where’s the clear answers? Where can I find modern day interpretations to tell me exactly what I’m supposed to do!?

… Silence.

… Cold, silence.

… Everything felt like it was already breaking down. Relationships wouldn’t work. I never could find anyone ‘good enough.’ Never could find anyone ‘just right.’

… I figured, maybe I need to search a little harder, try a little harder. Maybe I need to do more…

… but things still kept breaking down.

… hmm… maybe the problem isn’t them? What if the problem is me? That’s a scary thought. Maybe no one is ‘good enough’, for me?…

… What the hell happened?

… Deconstruction.

… maybe these rules are not all that they’re cracked up to be? Maybe I misinterpreted them in the first place.

… maybe ‘rules’ were never the point?

… aren’t I supposed to feel free? Isn’t faith supposed to offer freedom?

… Then why do I feel trapped? Why do I feel paralyzed? Why do I always feel like I’m always right up against the guardrails, teetering over the edge, when in reality I’m nowhere near it? Everyone else is next to me, and the nearest guardrail is miles away! Why am I so afraid?

Why do I feel like I have to please everyone else? Why do I feel like I have to have everyone else’s approval for all the decisions I make? How many times do I have to check the rule book before and after I make a mistake? How many times do I have to check Facebook before I make a big decision!?

… I think these people lied to me. I don’t know if they had my best intentions. I’m not sure anything I’ve ever heard is true.

I just wanna feel something again. I’m tired of feeling so empty, and so ‘less than.’

Deconstruction.