I Can’t/ I Can

Note:

This journal entry is longer than a 5 minute read.

At the end of the summer in 2018 I decided I wanted to publish a book. Previously, that same summer I had visited an artist in Austria that I looked up to who had published several books of his own. That experience really inspired me. I had no idea how to make a book, or if I was capable of it, but the seed was planted.

Along with this goal, I decided I wanted to travel the world, create my own art style, and create over 100 sketches for my book to choose from, as well as 30-40 paintings.

When I came up with these dreams, it seemed a little bit crazy. I had no idea how to go about publishing or piecing together a book. I also, at the time, worked incredibly slow at drawing. I knew that at the rate I drew, 100 good sketches would take me years to create. I also hadn’t travelled that much. I’d been to several states and a few countries, but not a whole lot, and definitely not by myself.

I was excited at the possibilities, but also filled with doubt. To help myself believe I could travel the world, draw that many sketches, and make my own style, I started telling people about my dreams. The first few times I shared what I was planning to do, I felt like I sounded crazy. However, as time went on, I became more confident. I began to believe I could do it. 

The responses I got were mixed. Usually I got a lot of “oh, that would be really cool” or “how are you going to do that?”

I even got a few very discouraging, stern warnings about the impossibility or my lack of preparation and knowhow. 

But I pressed on. Sure, I wasn’t 100% confident, but I soon realized that the doubts and impossibilities I felt were the same reasons I should do it. The fact that other people weren’t doing this, would also be the same reasons people might actually be interested in following my trip. 

I also found that the gap between my belief in myself and my abilities left room for faith to prosper, and the gap between the goals I chased and the mistakes I made along the way, would help me better understand grace and empathy.

So here’s the update:

I’m writing this in the winter of 2019; approximately 1 1/2 years after I first set my goals. 

Literally every single day for nearly the past 500 days I have thought about these goals, and I’ve been excited about them. 

I’ve also made some progress. So far in the last year and a half, I’ve flown on over 20 plane rides, one of which I flew myself over glaciers in Alaska; I’ve rode on a train for the first time, a ferry for the first time, been to 11 different countries, backpacked Europe on my own twice, and taken my first ever trips to Chicago, New York City, Washington DC, Alaska, Yosemite National Park, Las Vegas, among others. 

I’ve showed up in the middle of the night in foreign countries only to realize the place I was staying closed, and had to figure out where to stay. I’ve hitchhiked through Yosemite National Park. I’ve seen the worlds most beautiful art at the most prestigious museums in the world, and made friends with people all over the world. 

I’ve felt doubt. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve found grace, for myself and for others. I’ve gained stories, memories, and a new perspective. 

I’ve let my long term goals dictate my short term decisions. I’ve even decided to go a whole year without using social media, posting a new journal entry every single day for that year. 

When I started chasing this whole dream, it was out of reach. I had to force myself to believe it. I had to give it patience to come together, and I had to ask God for help daily.

Oh, and with all the traveling, I brought my sketchbooks with me. To date, I’ve done well over 100 sketches of everything I’ve seen and experienced. Plus, I’ve written probably 500 journal entries and filled who knows how many pages with notes, ideas, and dreams, much of which I’ve now decided to make public through website.  

I’m still working on all the paintings. I’ve got about 10-20 made from my all my travels so far with the goal of making 30-40 before my book comes out. I’m also still working on the book. I’m guessing it will be another 2-3 years before completion.

All that to say, for me, the traveling is not the reason I went. The drawings are not the reason I went. The experiences are not the reason I went. I went because I was utterly and totally stuck before any of this. I was so depressed that I didn’t even want to be here anymore. I felt like I had missed more opportunities than ever available. I felt like I was too old. I had failed too many relationships. I wasn’t ‘good enough’, etc. I was beginning to define myself by my limitations, rather than the opportunities to overcome them.

It’s not about where I went, what I made, etc. It’s about the mindset shift that happened. It’s about the fear I overcame, and the God I believe in that covers all my insufficiencies. 

The bigger the dream, the more the struggle. The more the struggle, the more the growth.