I Had To Take My Mask Off Before I Could Write This

I think I mentioned in an earlier journal post that I went through a season of depression. I came to a point in life where I felt like I had failed too many times in life, and I would never be able to live up to the expectations I had planned. It was a really confusing, frustrating, difficult season that I didn’t know if I’d ever make it out of. I decided I needed a little extra help, so I went to counseling to work through it.

It took me a long time before I agreed to go to counseling because I had a lot of misconceptions about what it would be. For starters, I didn’t know if my problems were big enough to justify going. Secondly, I’m not a super emotional person, and I had this idea that counseling was only for super emotional people. Regardless, I put my ego to the side a bit, and decided to go.

It didn’t take long to realize that all of my misconceptions were just that, misconceptions. It was nice to talk to someone who would listen without judging, and was trained in understanding people. I realized we all have difficulties, we all need a little help at times, and there’s nothing shameful or weak in asking for it. I was at a point where I couldn’t even understand myself. I could understand how I felt, but had no understanding of how or why I had got there.

Probably the biggest thing I learned in counseling was that I had been wearing ‘a mask’ of perfection for a long time. I felt this tremendous pressure to live up to this ‘perfect’ image that I had constructed of myself. It’s hard to pinpoint where I developed this need for perfection. I could point to a few things. Maybe it was growing up in the American church? Maybe it was the area I grew up in? Maybe it was family? Maybe it was genetic? Maybe it’s unavoidable? I’m really not sure. All I know is that it’s my own life and I have to role with what I’ve been given, just as everyone else does.

All of us come from, and grow up in different scenarios, and all of us ‘construct’ a certain view of the world that we believe to be reality. Sometimes we over simplify complex ideas in order to help us grasp and understand difficult concepts. Sometimes these misconceptions follow us into adulthood, and cause problems. That was me.

Not only had I oversimplified my life, but I had found an identity in them. I felt others held me to a standard of the person I had created, and making any changes would be a let down to them. I felt trapped in that position, and hid behind the mask of perfection.

To get beyond that trapped position and move forward in life, I had to take that mask of perfection off. I had to drop the act, and get honest before I could write or share any of this. I do it though, because I know there’s people like me, feeling trapped in boxes they put themselves inside. There’s people like me who’ve felt completely stuck, hiding behind an image of perfection and rule following, that’s slowly choking the life out of them. I know I was like that for a long time. Right now, I’m trying to deconstruct, and then reconstruct everything I’ve learned, so I can make sense of the world, and find a better me. I think people these days could benefit from knowing a little bit of what you go through. Sometimes people need to know your struggles more than they need to see your highlights.