PERFEC-T

Growing up, I was quite a bit of a rule follower, and a people pleaser. I was the ‘nice guy’ and spent a good deal of time making sure everyone liked me.

I also grew up attending church pretty regularly. Church did some good things, but it also made things pretty heavy in my mind pretty quickly. I faced a lot of internal conflicts in my head. It always seemed like every decision I made carried an enormous amount of eternal weight. Fear was a motivator to avoid anything ‘bad’ that my friends were doing. I learned to isolate myself pretty quickly in order to avoid the ‘bad’ things my friends were doing.

That’s a tough way to grow up as a kid, when you’re supposed to be learning and making mistakes. Every decision you make comes with a tremendous eternal cost added. There’s little freedom, and enormous pressure. Making mistakes comes with a great deal of shame. It’s a fine line to walk between being independent, avoiding peer pressure, or just totally isolating yourself from everyone.

What’s worse, I felt like I was supposed to be on this pedestal. I was supposed to be this ‘light’ and show everyone how great God was, by showing how great of a follower I was. I’m not saying that’s all the way off, more-so just a little twisted.

This enormous pressure and need to ‘separate’ myself apart from everyone else led me into isolation. It wasn’t really a choice, but more a need I felt. I drove myself into working twice as hard as anyone else, so I could prove myself and be accepted.

Looking back, it’s tough not to feel bitter, when you see misinterpretations you had, or think of the people who encouraged and praised you for things you did that were, in fact, really hurting you. It’s hard to make changes, when the very thing you’re trying to change is the same thing that put you on a pedestal to begin with.

Part of me feels a lot of shame that I got sucked into that rule following, ashamed that I isolated so much. Ironically, the thing that was supposed to give me the most freedom, gave the least.